This is Better Than Winning the Lottery!! Much Better!
I have been searching for the first love of my life for the last 6 years or so to apologize for the way that I acted during our 3 year relationship. Recently she discovered I was looking for her and posted contact information on Classmates.com. Below is the letter I intend to send and I would like everyone's opinion on the tone and intent of the letter. It is meant to sound respectful and apologetic to the highest degree. Please, everyone, proof-read it and if you would (ladies that read this), let me know if you think it will suffice. There could be nothing more important to me than apologizing in an adequate manner, so please respond honestly. Thank you all in advance.
Dear Ami,
Great day in the morning, I just saw your profile appear on Classmates.com and almost had a heart attack….as a matter of fact I’m not yet entirely sure I haven’t. I have thought about writing this email for so long that I can only pray I will be able to get everything down properly on paper. I have considered tracking you down to say this in person numerous times but was afraid that either a:) you’d fire shots at me, or b:) I’d scare you so badly that you’d never recover. One thing I hope you will keep in mind throughout your life Ami, never assume that someone who acts badly is unaware that they are behaving in disgusting and ugly manner. So please accept this email as a compromise and not a copout. If I thought it were proper I would have knelt at your feet and asked for forgiveness long ago. You were my first love and the standard by which all others are judged. I will never forget the day I first saw you, and the cat and mouse notes we wrote back and forth. From that moment until the end I would have done anything to make you happy, I just had no idea what the hell that was exactly. You were far and away the best person to ever grace the halls of Collegedale Academy and it is no surprise to me that most of them were to wrapped up in themselves to notice. Collegedale, with its nice cars and tight cliques, always intimidated me and I suppose I never thought I was good enough. I discovered early on however that if everyone thought you were crazy tough they would give you a certain amount of respect and for the most part leave you alone. Then I met Jason, and Greg and all the rest. Mistakenly, I thought that that was what you wanted. A tough guy, a take-no-prisoners type…and while you may always have known this I only fairly recently discovered that I am not that man. Most of my adolescent life was spent pretending to be tough when what I really was is a shy, scared kid who loved you very much. That tough guy was my persona for quite some time and to be honest there is nothing so exhausting as pretending to be something you are not. It always made me angry when you protested my actions in that regard…it never occurred to me that you were dating me because I was different and not because I had the potential to be as wild as everybody else. With that said there are so many things I need to apologize for that I can scarcely remember them all. There are a few that stick out in my mind to this day, and if I have missed anything that is important to you please know that I am, with all of my being, sorry for those as well. I hope this doesn’t bring you down, though I’m sure the memories are not the greatest. I only want you to know that I remember specifically how unkind and unworthy I was. The last thing I ever said to you was (surprise) a lie designed only as a last ditch effort to hurt the one who was hurting me. If you don’t remember what it was so much the better for you, but if you do then know that it was not true and I apologize for letting it leave my lips. Of the many things I am ashamed of and sorry for that is probably first on the list. Here is the (very) short list of other things that I hope to gain your forgiveness for. For the roller-skating rink incident and all that it began I am sorry, though your solution/ultimatum for that particular situation I remember fondly. I am sorry I ever heard the name Jason Hall or Jeremy Sherrill and I am especially sorry I wasn’t strong enough to avoid their influence (I really thought they were all the cat’s pajamas for a long time). For not having the sense to avoid drugs and all the asinine behavior that goes along with them I apologize (though I remember your resistance to them with pride and respect). I’m sorry that I forgot your birthday (happy belated 26th by the way). I’m sorry I ruined your trip to Europe and my Grandfather’s motel. I’m sorry I was absent without leave for the last 1/3 of our relationship. I’m sorry I yelled at you the day of Ernie’s funeral and though I couldn’t see it at the time I recognize that your behavior was in direct response to my extreme inconsideration. I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you close to me after that. I’m sorry I cheated on you, and I still haven’t figured out why I did – not that it matters but she certainly didn’t hold a candle to you. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what I had when I had it. I’m sorry I wasn’t more supportive with what could have happened when we were in New Jersey and I’m sorry I wasn’t intelligent enough to know how to respond to you when you returned from New Orleans that time. I’m sorry I treated your family the way that I did and for the lack of respect I showed your mother. Do you remember when you and I and John and your mother took a trip somewhere and stopped for pizza on the way home? I have no idea where we were going…it was towards the end of our relationship…but I offered to pay for the meal and I think, just for a moment, your mother was proud of me. That was one of my best memories for that time in my life. There is something decidedly unnerving about having your girlfriend’s mother hate you and her father threaten to rip off your head, but it doesn’t compare to the pride I felt at that moment. Had I really been a tough guy I suppose it wouldn’t have bothered me, but that was one thing always stuck in the back of my mind. Granted I wasn’t good enough for you, but I certainly loved you and I was confused enough to think that was all that should matter. There is so very many things that I would like to take back or do over, but it is enough to be given this chance to apologize and for that let me thank you. Believe it or not I have dreamt about you at least once a month for the last 6 years and it’s always the same dream. We stumble into one another somewhere, I apologize, and we inevitably spend some time with your family who also seem to forgive me. Then I wake up and feel guilty all over again. Needless to say you are a huge part of who I was and who I have become. It is in your memory that most of my self-repair has been completed. I have so many great memories of us Ami, but it is hard for me to access them because somewhere very close there is always the thought of something terrible that I did. I hope in the midst of it all you retain some good memories as well. After Ernie and Brandon died and you left I went into a tailspin that culminated in a drug overdose and two-week stay at Moccasin Bend. When I left I moved to Texas with a girl who helped me straighten out my life, though a lot of my actions resulted mostly because I was determined not to treat another the way I treated you. We wound up headed in separate directions and are no longer together but remain great friends and I owe her my life in a very real sense. I have talked with her about you on many occasions and she probably feels like a martyr as she has heard this apology a thousand times. I am now a real estate advertising coordinator for an office that grosses around $36 million a year. Can you imagine anyone foolish enough to give me such responsibility? I am also a nursing student and hope eventually to become a nurse anesthetist. I am an anti-war activist, a poor musician and artist, and an anti-drug counselor for anyone that will listen. To be quite honest I think you would be proud of me. One thing you gave me is a deep respect for all women, but especially for those that are smarter than me; as a matter of fact I have also retained a complete distaste for those that display no cognitive ability and have yet to come across someone with whom I can talk as candidly as we once did. Perhaps that is a fault, but I have conquered so many I feel as though perhaps I am entitled to retain a few. God Ami, what else can I say to you. There are so very many great memories I have of us. Your memory has made me a better person and for everything bad that I ever had a hand in introducing to your life I am heartily sorry. I ask for your forgiveness, knowing full well I do not deserve it, but hoping you will find it in your heart nonetheless. I hope you are able to answer this email (***@****.com) and tell me a little about your life (I understand you have quite the little family, congratulations!!) but if not I will understand. If you or any member of your family ever needs anything you know where my mother lives and you may contact me that way or through email. May God bless you in your life for being so kind and loving to an angry, misguided punk. With the utmost admiration and respect I remain, Tim
Well I got a response so I suppose it was well written after all. Though you all might like to know what she had to say. This is officially the best day I've had in a long, and I mean long, time.
Hey,
Sorry my psychotic computer just sent you a blank. I hate that. I'm not even sure where to start. Well yes of course you are forgiven. I did my share of idiotic things too. Unfortunately we are all stupid in our teens. Don't worry I have two boys I will get my come uppins. I want to apologize I don't remember my dad saying he'd rip your head of f but sounds like something he'd say. Yes you were right my mom was very proud of you for offering to pay. We had just gone rafting, with Jeff on the Hiawassee and it was a Greek restaurant in Cleveland. I'm sorry our relationship has troubled you so much. I think it was a very valuable relationship I learned a lot and yes I have many wonderful memories, four wheeling in Sequatchie cove, swimming off the mountain, listening to the frogs in your parent's pond.......only a few memories of the bad stuff. I am by the way about to turn 25 I am not past my 26th thank you very much he h e. For the record once a girl hits twenty-one she doesn't care if you remember her birthday. he he. I miss your family a lot, I think about them. My sister in law named her little girl Isabella so now we both have a niece named Isabella. I'm glad to hear your doing well. I did worry about you. I never wished you ill; I just couldn't stay with you through that. I had my own issues at home with my parent's that I had to deal with and am still working with today. Mostly resolved, but hey we all have our stories right? I'm glad you reached out and apologized I'm not sure I could have been that big. I really needed to resolve this. I hated the way it ended; we spent to long together with to much history to just forget. It's of course complicated by the fact that I am married, and don't want to be disrespectful to my husband. I've even discussed with him that I need to do this and should the opportunity ever arise I should take advantage of it t. Tim I don't want to be the one who "ruins" you. I don't mean to sound like I'm an unforgettable goddess, but we didn't realize what we were taking from each other. That's an avenue I've watched friends, especially male friends burn because their first bridge burned badly. And as a result they never deeply connect with another woman. I don't want to be responsible for that. I never expected to burn our bridge or I wouldn't have done it. I hate e-mails they never sound right I hope I don't sound too crass. I'm honestly sort of rambling in shock, never having expected to encounter this.......... today anyway. Let's see I'm a mom mostly, been a stay at home, dedicated mom (yes it is the hardest job in the world) for 5 years now. My babies are getting older and more independent though so about 8 months ago the Chief Magistrate in Hamilton County asked me to work part time as h is assistant. Which means don't get arrested or I might be there when they set your bond. he he. I love it he's also a private attorney and we share an office with Jim Purple. I get to do exciting things like last week we found 2 little girls that had been kidnapped by a family member 8 years ago. By Easter we had reunited them it was great. I'm shocked to hear YOU are anti war. Thank you Mr. Pinell I usually spend my Saturday nights watching C-SPAN. he he I miss going to school I'm jealous your going. I have taken a few classes but not finished anything. I would have never gone down the road I live on now if not for you. It's never what I would have planned for myself, but it's a great life. So I have been happily married 5 years as of February 4, I have two little boys 4 year old Ashly (its a family name) and, 2 year old Blake, (Blake Defore loved that) Ashly looks just like me, Blake looks just like his daddy. Ash has his daddy's laid back personality, poor Blake is like me constantly looking for a challenge and usually sick. They are both so incredible, fun smart, beautiful. Just wait everyone says it, but having kids is just......life changing. Suddenly God's love for us is thrown into a sharp reality. It's like having a little piece of your heart walking around outside your body. Only he doesn't know it, so he often breaks it. So I have this friend her name is Cindy she has two boys a little older than my boys. We've been friends about 5+ years we were talking last summer at a VBS. She told me about her brother who died named Ernie. It took me about five minutes and looking closely at her eyes before I asked her what his last name was. Yup it was your Ernie. I couldn't believe it. She is a great mother and wife she's someone I admire. I wish you all the best in life Tim I hold no grudge and I hope you'll do the same for me. Goodness this h as gotten long. Got to go cook dinner. Good luck to you Tim. God bless you. ( I know I have forgotten stuff) got to go. Ami
posted by Unknown at 9:39 AM
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