You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows....don't follow leaders, watch the parkin' meters...ah get born, keep warm, short pants, romance, learn to dance.(Dylan)

Monday, May 30

Mountain Journals and the Occasional Deluge

Well, I made it two days and nights (straight, and aside from previous exploratory hikes) on the moutain before the rain flushed me out. There is something profoundly disconcerting about being both by a creek and in a stream so I am taking cover under a roof until the rain lets up. In the downtime I'll post a couple of journal entries which I am keeping while on my "adventure" as it were. I'll try to post the most recent ones whenever I get rained out or come back for more supplies. Hope everything is going well with all my bloggy-land friends. Oh, and I promise never to use the word "bloggy-land" again!! :) Right now I'm struggling with feelings of being a bit of a loser. It's very easy to forget how hard you have worked once there is nothing to do and no one to do it with. I programmed myself, while in TX, to be very hard on myself if I wasn't doing what I should be (ie, work or school) and now that there is nothing I HAVE to do I find it rather hard to cope with the nagging sensation that something is amiss. Transition is always such a bitch for me....oh, well cest la vie I suppose. Namaste to all, I'll be back whenever I can.

A Dream From Last Night, May 29th 2005

This is rather rambling as it was written by flashlight at 4:37am when I was only half awake and in a mad hurry to get it down before I forgot it.

My mom wanted to go to London. Immediately, as though it were a trip to the grocery store. So we ran to the airport, bought two tickets on American Airlines (my mom was rather insistent that it be AA), and after a mad dash through the concourse we settled into our seats somewhere in the middle of the plane. As we were taxiing down the runway for take-off I noticed that our tickets had been improperly made for a return in one week rather than the two days we anticipated. As we became intent on finding how this had happened several people on the plane began to scream and as we were still on the ground I flipped up the window shade to see what could possibly have gone wrong already. To my shock I discovered that we were not hurtling down the runway, but were rather hurtling down the wrong side of a six-lane highway seperated by a concrete divider. At a curve we slammed into the divider with the left side of the plane opposite my mom and I. I don't know how but I could see in front of the plane and I saw two things in an instant. The road was coming to a T and we were going to slam into the woods on the other side. The pilot came over the loud speaker and began to scream, "Brace for impact, brace, brace, brace." At the last moment the pilot somehow spun the plane around 180-degrees (the engines were making the worst screaming noise you could imagine) and we hit the woods backwards and very, very hard. Next thing I remember (or rather, dreamt), my Mom and I were clear of the wreckage and as soon as I saw her she was gone for the rest of the dream. I began to scream for Leia, not ordinary screams but the throat-tearing screams of sheer adrenlin and panic not, not considering for an instant that she had not been on the plane to start with. I ran about 150-yards to were the tail and back half of the plane lay on it's side with the top ripped off exposing the seats now at a 90-degree angle to the ground. All the while I was screaming Leia, over and over again. Then, out of nowhere I found her...and her mother and got them down from their seats and away from the plane. The plane was one of those with engines on either side of the tail, rather than under the wings and the one on the right side, now high in the air was beginning to catch fire. I could see that several people were still in their seats and appeared to be unconscious. I began running from person to person, sometimes close to me, sometimes on the other side of the plane which was 20-30 feet in the air, yelling "Ma'am (or sir), wake up, you have to wake up the plane is on fire. One by one they all extricated themselves from the wreckage, climbed down and walked or stumbled to where everyone had gathered a few hundred yards away. One woman, sitting in what would have been a window seat but was now the farthest possible seat from the ground was still strapped in and was actually knitting, all the while mumbling to herself something along the lines of, "No, this simply cannot be," or,"this is not happening". But when the engine that had been smoldering suddenly began to race and pop loudly she finally came down and went to join the others. As I was about to follow her away I saw a man trapped under the the very rear of the plane....some of the others and I pulled him free and even though it was apparent he no longer had any legs, as soon as he was pulled free they were back and he began walking toward the other passengers. As I walked in that direction I noticed two dead dogs one in an airplane seat and one that had clearly been in the field when we hit (these were the only fatalities I saw, go figure), and that bothered me more than anything yet had; but there were no human bodies to be seen anywhere throughout the enormous amount of wreckage now mostly engulfed in flames. I noticed only 10-15 people had gathered around what I now saw was the pilot and I wondered where the hell the rest of the people had got to. As I drew closer I heard the pilot giving everyone the phone number to Dr. Tylock (a lasic eye surgeon in Dallas) and I recall thinking "how typical" and being completely disgusted with his incompetance but to exhausted to be angry. At the edge of this not of people were Leia and her mom sitting in a row of detached airplane seats. Leia was white as a sheet and was laying with her head in her mother's lap while her mom stroked her hair and whispered to her....she was clearly badly in shock. I remember feeling profoundly relieved all of a sudden and for the first time I wondered where the hell the emergency vehicles were. Then I woke up.

Post-Dream Note to Self: Stop watching "Lost" and avoid American Airlines in the near future. Oh, yes, and stop worrying about Leia already. For god's sake....

The Beginning, May 28th 2005

Location: A tent on Suck Creek Mountain, 15ft. above the water's edge in a thicket I have cut into to form a rather cozy nook for myself and my campfire.

Mood: Vaguely hopeful, anticipatory, slightly frightened, but ready as hell for whatever may come.

Thoughts: I wonder what Leia is doing right now and if she misses me. I wonder whether my first night alone on the mountain will be what I anticipate. Will Holly like my campsite and why is this friend of mine the person that she is? She reminds me of a stunningly beautiful tortoise that just won't come out of it's shell; and if it did, would it still be beautiful? Women and the night....I suspect my thoughts aren't all that different from early man's so long ago. Will these thoughts seem childish and small 10 years hence? Is there, in fact, any other way to grow?

Quote from Taoist Meditation Book: In the beginning, all things are hopeful. We prepare ourselves for the magnificent journey ahead, all things are contained in this first moment: our optimism, our faith, our resolutionm, our innocence. In order to start, we must make a decision. This decision is a commitment to daily self-cultivation. We must make a strong connection to our inner selves. Outside matters are superfluous. Alone and naked, we negotiate all of life's travails. Therefore, we alone must make something of ourselves, transforming ourselves into instruments for experiencing the deepest spiritual essence of life. Once we make our decision, all things will come to us. Auspicious signs are not a superstition, but a confirmation. They are a response. It is said if one chooses to pray to a rock with enough devotion, even that rock will come alive. In the same way, once we choose to commit ourselves to spiritual practice, even the mountains and valleys will reverberate to the sound of our purpose.

Closing thoughts: I hope Lisa is doing well and Stacey has had a smile or two today. Tonight I will pray for all my friends and loved ones, and for strength for the night ahead.

Wednesday, May 18

What a Send-Off!!!

Just had a surprise party thrown for me and nearly all of my 116 agents showed. It was really great and really overwhelming all at once. Strange to be leaving but there's good things to come! I'll blog from time to time when I get the chance, everyone whom I communicate with through email can still reach me at the Yahoo address. Things are a little hectic at the moment but I'll try to be as prompt as possible with my replies. Namaste, everyone. Stay safe and keep smiling!

Tuesday, May 17

One Good Thing in Dallas

Well, last night I went to my absolute favorite restuarant for the last time. This place is a vegetarian Indian restuarant that features a wonderful atmosphere, great beer and food, homemade chai, and a far-above-par sitar player. Upstairs they have meditation rooms, shrines, and every Tuesday a monk comes and speaks to the few that are there to learn. Anyone traveling to or through Dallas....don't miss this one!!!


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Monday, May 16

Couldn't Have Said it Better Myself...So I Didn't

It's time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it' s time to get going

Broken skyline, movin' through the airport
She's an honest defector
Conscientious objector
Now her own protector
Broken skyline, which way to love land
Which way to something better
Which way to forgiveness
Which way do I go

It's time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it's time to get going

Sometime later, getting the words wrong
Wasting the meaning, and losing the rhyme
Nauseous adrenaline
Like breakin' up a dog fight
Like a deer in the headlights
Frozen in real time
I'm losing my mind

It's time to move on, time to get going
What lies ahead I have no way of knowing
But under my feet, baby, grass is growing
It's time to move on, it's time to get going

Tom Petty (Time to Move On)

Thursday, May 12

And Now for a Minor Breakdown....

GODDAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!
(Further bulletins as events warrant)

Monday, May 9


Cairo at Twilight Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 8

When Will Jesus Bring the Sanity?

WAYNESVILLE, N.C. - Calling it a "great misunderstanding," the pastor of a small church who led the charge to remove nine members for their political beliefs tried to welcome them back Sunday, but some insisted he must leave for the wounds to heal. The Rev. Chan Chandler didn't directly address the controversy during the service at East Waynesville Baptist Church, but issued a statement afterward through his attorney saying the church does not care about its members' political affiliations. "No one has ever been voted from the membership of this church due to an individual's support or lack of support for a political party or candidate," he said. Nine members said they were ousted during a church gathering last week by about 40 others because they refused to support President Bush. They attended Sunday's service with their lawyer and many supporters. Chandler noted their presence in his welcome to the congregation, saying, "I'm glad to see you all here. ... We are here today to worship the Lord. I hope this is what you are here for." But Chandler's statement and his welcome didn't convince those members who were voted out that things would soon change, and some called for him to resign. "This all started over politics and our right to vote for whoever we wanted to," said Thelma Lowe, who has been attending the church for 42 years. She and her husband Frank, a deacon at the church for 35 years, were among those voted out. "Things will never be the same here until he leaves," she said. The ousted members have said Chandler told them during last year's presidential campaign that anyone who planned to vote for Democratic nominee Sen. John Kerry needed to leave the church in the mountain town about 125 miles northwest of Charlotte. "He needs to leave," said Marlene Casey, 42, a lifelong member. "A lot of blood, sweat and tears have been shed by the people he told to leave." Added Lewis Inman, a deacon at the church who said he was voted out Monday: "He could have apologized and made everything right. He's not man enough." Chandler invited all church members to attend a business meeting on Tuesday. "This should all be cleared up by the end of the week," he said in an interview after the service. Chandler said he and his wife have received calls from around the nation — some of them threatening — since his politics in the pulpit made national news. His actions also drew criticism from other Baptist clergymen in the town. "This is very disturbing," the Rev. Robert Prince III, who leads the congregation at the nearby First Baptist Church, said Saturday. "I've been a pastor for more than 25 years, and I have never seen church members voted out for something like this." Some members of his congregation, however, voiced their support for Chandler on Sunday. "He's a wonderful, good old country boy," Pam Serafin said as she walked into the church. "There are always two sides to every story."

Pray for rain people, pray for rain.....a good flood in the Southeast would do us all a world of good right about now.....I'll just build a raft and take one for the team, this is getting ridiculous. It helps to remember that "it's not that there are too many idiots, but that the lightening isn't distributed quite right!!!"

Saturday, May 7

He Does a Great Janis Joplin...

So, for anyone reading this that wasn't involved in the comments from the post below, this probably won't make any sense....oh, well.

Here you go Stacey and Lisa, the beginnings of a balladeer. Exactly 3.5 weeks after I packed all my belongings into a UHaul and moved to my current location a strange occurrence transpired. Looking back, it was merely the beginning of a 3 year end. Mind you this was 3.5 weeks after arrival and exactly 3 days after I had obtained a rather interesting and enjoyable job as a surgical tech at an emergency animal hospital.....anyways, so I'm laying in bed at around 1:00am when the love of my life, totally out of the blue mind you, rolls over ands says "I think I need to spend some time on my own." Now granted, that is a perfectly reasonably and practical request...provided the person to whom you are making the request hasn't just moved halfway across the country to be with you. This is information I would have considered vital had it been publicized before we left. Anyway, long story short I don't handle these types of life-altering announcements coming as a surprise very well...something about appreciating a vague warning...I'm just weird like that. So my response was to stand up and begin packing. Less than twenty minutes later I had my puppy, my best clothes and books, my guitar and $50 in the car. Forty-five minutes after that I was outside the city limits and heading east on 1-20 bound for a friend in Atlanta I knew would take me in without warning. Now this car, this wonderful 1986 Volkswagen Cabriolet convertible had, as one of its many faults, a strange penchant for refusing to eject tapes that were inserted in the tapeplayer...and an even worse habit of refusing to play anything (radio or otherwise) besides the tape that was currently in the jam position. So there I am listening to the tape of Janis Joplin's greatest hits when my puppy, Ambrosious, who had neglected to tell me he would be requiring Dramamine, leaned over from the passenger seat and threw-up in my lap. Needless to say this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back and the flood of tears I had barely been keeping underwraps broke through the dam and I began to sob uncontrollably. Being a male, and laden with inordinate amounts of testosterone I came to the conclusion that the only way to make this situation better was to sing along to the Joplin tape at the top of my lungs, tempt fate and refuse to let the speedometer fall below 120mph for the rest of the trip....which I did, through small town Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama (states containing police voted "most likely to kick the crap out of speeding hippies") and on into Georgia where I reached my friends house with a sick dog, a sore throat, and a soon-to-be blown engine at around 10:30am, making mine possibly the shortest and most miserable trip ever made between North Texas and southern Georgia. Two days after that my car finally gave up the ghost and my dog and I spent another two days sleeping in it and eating 2-week old bagels on the side of a northern Georgia back road until we were rescued by my long-suffering father.....much to our chagrin. Fini.

Tuesday, May 3

Well, Hell, I Tried

I thought I was done posting but I actually have about two weeks left with access to computers and I keep thinking of things I want to post.....which is particularly odd considering that recently I have been at a lost for things to talk about. Guess all you have to do is try to stop to get the ideas flowing again. Just this one thing and then I'm definitely done.....for today at least.

I realized, whilst watching television yesterday, that the thing I miss most about being in a relationship (aside from someone to wake up to and take care of you when you are sick) are kisses. That's right, you heard me, kisses. Short ones, long ones, soft ones, ones that leave you gasping for breath, kisses that lead farther, kisses that lead nowhere.......aahh, kisses. I have been told I am a great kisser which is wonderful for the self-esteem but its not a lot of good if I can't put it to use. Bother, I guess I'll just daydream for a while.....so, for all of those that were wondering.....yes, guys think about things like this....though I may be the first to admit it publicly. Anyone wanna send me an e-kiss, never mind, that's not even close to the same.........(sighs and turns to stare wistfully out the window).

Out on a High Note

I offer up these lyrics from my favorite (Dylan) as my heartfelt wish for the future. Here goes nothing folks, I'll be back to post when I can.

Don't let me change my heart,
Keep me set apart
From all the plans they do pursue.

And I,
I don't mind the pain,
Don't mind the driving rain.
I know I will sustain
'Cause I believe in you.